If you stick around after this post, I love you.

May 18, 2010 | Uncategorized

Sometimes, I feel like this blog isn’t even my blog anymore. I’ve never felt so censored. My biggest censor? Myself. I don’t want to write a word or phrase that might offend someone, I don’t want to write what’s really going on inside my head because 1.) There’s a shit ton, and 2.) Some of it’s just plain weird and wrong. And I don’t want people to get any wrong ideas about me. Which is ridiculous, I know, because I’m almost 26 years old. I need to stop caring what other people think. There is something in my genetic makeup that makes it nearly impossible for me to not feel guilty for things that aren’t even my fault. I still struggle from the desire to make everybody around me want to like me, and I’m not sure why that is. I still feel the need to keep everyone happy, and it exhausts me in the process. 

In the past, I’ve written these kind of “brain dump” entries, of everything that’s been going on in my head. I fear even doing that now because again, the JUDGMENT. (She’s about to be a Mom, how can she think/act that way? That child is gonna be so f*cked up!) Most of the people I’m close to know that I am no saint, and have never strived to be. I am who I am.

I think a lot of my worry is coming from the new role that is quickly approaching. I read so many articles about Moms “losing themselves” because they become parents. Being a parent is something that I’ve wanted for a really long time. I mean, it took me 10 months to get pregnant, and while that may not seem like a long time to some, it’s a lifetime in TTC time when it’s all your brain can think about. With the actual birth only 3 1/2 months away, I have to start thinking about my birth plan and picking out a pediatrician and how on EARTH we’re going to fit all of Oscar’s family into the tiny ass waiting room at Northside Cherokee? (It’s pretty small, and he has 25 cousins alone.) Oh, and that whole “we’ll have a baby to take care of.”

And lately, my fuse is becoming short. I mean, shorter than short. I got so frustrated yesterday around 4:00pm looking at my ever-growing to-do list and fighting the damn broken internet connection and yelling at the dog and the cat to STOP FIGHTING that I Googled “pregnancy and patience.” Turns out, people blame hormones for that. It seems like an easy fix, though. I’ve always been kind of short on patience, and I hope it’s something I can control once the baby comes and he’s drawn all over the walls or has dropped my cell phone in the toilet.

The short fuse syndrome is partially due to a defense mechanism for my complete lack of knowing what my next step is. Oscar told me the other day that he was proud of me for juggling so many things at once. Honestly, I haven’t been this overcome since last May when I lost my job at fancy-commercial-real-estate-biz. I was totally lost, and I am again. I’ve got a handful of Literally Efficient clients that I juggle on a weekly basis, but none offer me enough projects to focus solely on that alone. I’ve got my Pure Romance business, which is a LOT of work, I’m learning. (Side note: I’ve never been one to complain about work, but I started doing Pure Romance because I thought it would be fun, and it’s turning into more work than fun. I have entire days that consist of follow-up alone, and for what? So some 20-year-old who probably doesn’t even really know how to enjoy sex can host a party and get free lube? ((Sorry, I’ve just had a lot of younger hostesses lately and they’re a lot of work. Like children. Oh wait! It’s practice, right??)) Plus, I just started doing this part-time customer service rep thing for a local company that I can do from home. It sounded awesome at first. Can work from home, flexible hours, not a terrible part-time hourly rate. But the training is more ongoing, do-it-yourself kind of training, and I just don’t really learn that way. I need someone to show me everything FIRST so I can go back and look at it when I’m going through on my own.  Instead, we have 2 weekly training call sessions that last an hour, and it’s impossible for everything to get covered in that amount of time. There’s an instance that I haven’t come across yet that hasn’t been covered in training and I have to just “figure it out.” See? There goes my patience, right out the window.

If all of that isn’t enough, I’m still trying to think long-term for my goal in eventually becoming certified to teach. Let me tell you how much THAT dream has been squashed with all the educational budget cuts and layoffs in Georgia. Hundreds of teachers are getting laid off, and the class sizes are going up to 35 kids per class. My best friend was cut last week after teaching for 2 years. She’s in the process of getting certified to teach gifted kids and is about to start grad school, something I now think I need to have in order to have a smidge of a chance of getting swiped up once schools are actually hiring again.  And I have no idea when that will be. 2011? Probably not. 2012? Maybe. But what the hell am I going to do in between now and then? Part of me wishes I could just get a retail job at a bookstore or a coffee shop (too idealistic, I realize) and just come home after my shifts. Don’t have to think about work once I’m at home, and I’m still getting a paycheck.

Note: I started writing this entry and got so overwhelmed because the f*cking internet disconnected again, so I lost my train of thought and have decided to get off the internet for the day.

3 Comments

  1. Geek in Heels

    I think everyone has the right to feel overwhelmed and feel like they’re about to just lose it…it’s only when you feel like that ALL THE TIME that I think you should seek help, whether from family, friends, or a professional.

    I’m not sure how often you feel this way, but I do know that pregnancy must have some part in it (I know my fuse has certainly grown shorter since I got pregnant). I urge you to take breaks regularly and try your best to put yourself first…be selfish and cry/vent all you want. It’s taken me a lifetime to learn this, but if I’m not happy those I love won’t be either. Keep this in mind and take care of yourself, okay? 🙂

  2. hijasamericanas

    So a quick thought on the self-censorship part…
    one of my grad school advisors told me that I had to write as if my mama was dead. She’s not, i told him, and she can be a scary Puerto Rican when she’s angry. Nonetheless, when I follow that advice, I do my best writing. Why don’t you write a lot of things as drafts (does Blogspot let you save posts as drafts) and write them just as you want to and then sit on them for a bit. My guess is that a few days later, you’ll be over some of the self-consciousness and happy to hit publish.

  3. Ashley

    @Jenny – Every now and then. Thankfully, it’s not all the time. Tuesday just happened to be a pretty rough day. I do have all of that stuff going on inside my head, but I know better than to let it get to me every day. That would make for a pretty rough existence. 🙂

    @Rosie – What a fabulous idea. I know my writing mentor would agree with that. She’s no stranger to writing what you feel, no matter what it is. I’m gonna write this on a post-it somewhere so I can keep it in the back of my head. Thank you!