If I had no inner monologue, you’d be privy to this today –
Wow, Dutch boy really marinated himself in his aftershave/cologne/bug spray today (because that’s what it smells like – “fashion” bug spray). Also, he looks like a Euro-trash hipster with entirely too much oil/pomade/gel and his shirt is just a little too big so that it’s baggy and he’s got the top button undone like he’s trying to show off his one little chest hair.
I’m sitting at my desk, staring at my picturesque view of the Atlanta skyline. I don’t have windows, but I sit facing someone else’s. He’s not here today, so it’s not weird when I sit gazing out his window. I’m thinking that I really wish the douche down the hall would stop whistling the Ride of the Valkyries song with his door open.
Every time the printer is finished printing, it makes the most darling noises that sounds like my Bijou when he used to protest – this little high-pitched grunting noise. Which I then think, Wow, you’re personifying office equipment – you need to get a life.
Then my thoughts switch gears. I am an impatient person by fault and making an impatient person wait for something she isn’t even quite sure what she’s waiting for is asking a lot. I never knew I would get in such a tizzy over my body’s clock, trying to figure out “how many days it’s been since this thing happened,” or googling online how long a woman’s cycle can be without being pregnant. I know – I sound like a loon. I swore when I started thinking about babies that I wouldn’t become one of “those” ladies that measure their BBT or try to calculate my ovulation days. You know what? I caved. And I’m ok with that. I think I want this so much because it’s the one thing in my life right now I feel like I can really be depended on. Quite frankly, I’m feeling a little “nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I guess I’ll go eat worms.” (Of course I know that is pure garbage, because I know people DO depend on me. But a baby would depend on me completely – all day, every day. I guess I’m just ready to show my commitment. Besides – when did it become such a crime to want to have babies with the man I married? I’ve gotten so much negative feedback. I wish people could just be excited with me.