I left my filter at home

Mar 19, 2009 | babies, life, writing

If I had no inner monologue, you’d be privy to this today –

Wow, Dutch boy really marinated himself in his aftershave/cologne/bug spray today (because that’s what it smells like – “fashion” bug spray). Also, he looks like a Euro-trash hipster with entirely too much oil/pomade/gel and his shirt is just a little too big so that it’s baggy and he’s got the top button undone like he’s trying to show off his one little chest hair.

I’m sitting at my desk, staring at my picturesque view of the Atlanta skyline. I don’t have windows, but I sit facing someone else’s. He’s not here today, so it’s not weird when I sit gazing out his window. I’m thinking that I really wish the douche down the hall would stop whistling the Ride of the Valkyries song with his door open.

Every time the printer is finished printing, it makes the most darling noises that sounds like my Bijou when he used to protest – this little high-pitched grunting noise. Which I then think, Wow, you’re personifying office equipment – you need to get a life.

Then my thoughts switch gears. I am an impatient person by fault and making an impatient person wait for something she isn’t even quite sure what she’s waiting for is asking a lot. I never knew I would get in such a tizzy over my body’s clock, trying to figure out “how many days it’s been since this thing happened,” or googling online how long a woman’s cycle can be without being pregnant. I know – I sound like a loon. I swore when I started thinking about babies that I wouldn’t become one of “those” ladies that measure their BBT or try to calculate my ovulation days. You know what? I caved. And I’m ok with that. I think I want this so much because it’s the one thing in my life right now I feel like I can really be depended on. Quite frankly, I’m feeling a little “nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I guess I’ll go eat worms.” (Of course I know that is pure garbage, because I know people DO depend on me. But a baby would depend on me completely – all day, every day. I guess I’m just ready to show my commitment. Besides – when did it become such a crime to want to have babies with the man I married? I’ve gotten so much negative feedback. I wish people could just be excited with me.

5 Comments

  1. Trixie

    G-diddy and I would be excited . . .

    Reply
  2. Map

    I will teach him/her to fish all day, everyday.. so hurry up and do this thing!

    Reply
  3. Kimberly Julie

    I have been waiting with bated breath for you to finally say, “Hey guys, I’m preggers!”

    When that day comes, I am pretty sure I’ll let out one of those annoying squeals that sorority girls do when they see one another at the bars… but I am okay with that. I am rooting for ya! 🙂

    Reply
  4. Ashley

    @Trixie – It’s a done deal – that’s your grandma name.

    @Map – You know it, son.

    @Kimberly Julie – Oh goody. It’s good to hear positive feedback from someone other than a relative for once. 🙂

    Reply
  5. Christopher

    Having a baby is a huge commitment but you have never been the type of person to make a significant decision without placing a lot of thought and research on the subject. Besides, people love to judge one another because a similar situation didn’t work out in an “ABC Family” ending for them when in reality you are a completely different person than they. If you and your man make this decision I am sure that you both have put a lot of time and thought into it and will not travel lightly so, good luck!

    Reply

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