And here I sit, feeling like I have nothing to say.

Jan 29, 2009 | life, writing

One of my biggest fears right now? Becoming dumbed down. I think I noticed it starting to happen last summer or so. Rarely do I have “a-ha” moments. I wonder if it’s because I’m an “adult” now and I’m supposed to be dramatically less intense, less interesting, less enthusiastic; because that’s what I see.

I come to my office and that’s what I see. I walk outside for lunch and that’s what I see. Businessmen in business suits that probably don’t love what they do, they love the money they get doing it. I don’t want to be like that. I want to believe in the statement “Do what you love and the money will come.” But will it? I mean, really? Could I force myself to love assisting businessmen in business suits?

I’ve had this discussion briefly with a few other people I consider close enough to not rat me out. They’ve identified that feeling I have. The I-don’t-want-my-entire-life-to-be-an-Excel-spreadsheet” feeling. It’s scary.

Is it so wrong that I don’t want to end up settling for a job? Should I suppress the already stifled wild streak I feel because it’s inappropriate? I’ve bought countless books to jumpstart my creativity – about writing, about starting up my own business, about “shaking up my life,” and yet, I read 1/4 of them and pack them back onto a bookshelf. The question is, why?

Admittedly, I feel defeated that nobody reads my blog. Some days it doesn’t bother me, and I read my header up at the top and think, “yeah, so what if I have no readers?” But let’s be honest – I wouldn’t blog if I didn’t want readers. I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t love a comment onslaught. I wouldn’t dream of being a freelance writer if I didn’t love the idea of people wanting to read what I have to say.

To be thought-provoking would be one of my biggest goals.

And so. Here I am, still stuck on where to start. I want too much and I have no foundation.

6 Comments

  1. Chuck

    It’s not wrong to feel that way. Is it easy to make a living doing something enjoyable? Not really. That’s why most people don’t do it. It can be done, though, and even when it can’t, it’s not a choice between dream-job and cubicle monkey. There is always a middle ground.

    Reply
  2. Geek in Heels

    I’m going through a similar situation, in that I am no longer willing to “settle” for a job. Even in this dismal economy. Life is too short, and I want to be fulfilled and know that I’m making a difference.

    P.S. – I read and love your blog! I’m horrible at commenting tho…please don’t feel discouraged. Just keep building great content (as you have been doing) and the readers will start growing exponentially!

    Reply
  3. Ashley

    @Chuck – I think that’s my new goal- finding a middle ground.

    @Geek in Heels – Glad to hear someone else can relate! Actually, I used to read you all the time at Weddingbee. 🙂

    Reply
  4. Kimberly Julie

    I think we all struggle with this at times. If there was an easy solution, you’d have already come to a conclusion…

    Reply
  5. barbibouvier

    never become a stuffed suit, even if you must exist in the stuffed suits’ world. but i understand the struggle and i’ve never been able to fully bend to the corporate environment. my suggestion? (even though saying this leads you away from where you are & i’d dearly miss you). go be a creative. you should not be drowning in excel spreadsheets forever. i know several writers/copywriters that do some crazy cool stuff at some great places. we’ll talk more later…

    Reply
  6. Anonymous

    I’ve been with the blue shirt mafia for nearly 10 years. Soul-sucking, millionaire babies whose monthly nut is twice my annual. Ten years, long time, how do I do it? Alcohol. Lot’s and lots. Seriously, you have to find the ability to get over their influence. Doing what you love is tougher than it sounds. I love raising my boys, but that doesn’t make it easy. It shouldn’t be. A writers life has to be challenged. What relevance do you have without struggle? Think about this: my office is full of characters- if I was inclined I start thinking of them in 2 dimension. Almost like cartoons, then I carry that a little further. While I would never credit any of these people with inspiration, I do draw upon them. Use them as an influence, create a well. Follow Dickens’ lead

    Reply

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